4 Steps: Make A Sincere Apology

What a frustrating thing it is to have your apology rejected because it wasn’t perceived as sincere after humbling yourself enough to deliver the damn thing in the first place. Equally frustrating, is the fact that, more often than not, this perception is accurate.

There are many ways to get apologies wrong and only a few ways to get them right. But, however you look at it, apologies are usually poorly received due to the huge gap that separates our sincerely felt emotions from the watered-down version that we actually deliver.

The following steps describe how to make a sincere apology and if they’re properly followed, they should bring an end to this frustration.

step 1

Take responsibility for your actions

Above all else, people want to see you own your mistakes. Although we’re only at step one, this is a crucial moment because it sets the tone and creates the momentum for your entire sincere apology. When you’re on the other end receiving a sincere apology, is this not the crux for you, the instant of satisfaction, when that person becomes accountable and admits to precisely what he did wrong? As an expression of repentance, of true regret or remorse, this step matters more than all the rest when you make a sincere apology.

You can best achieve this repentance by using a simple, straightforward sentence that uses two magic words -- I’m sorry. After you’ve uttered those humbling words, address what you did in concise terms. The following examples show accountability through the use of the word “I” and the lack of the word “but”:

• “I’m sorry I blew off our meeting.”
• “I’m sorry I said those things about your mother.”

That should be it. Do not add the feelings you think you incited in the other person (“I’m sorry you misunderstood me” or “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt”); doing so shifts blame away from you, which is the opposite of taking responsibility for your actions.

step 2

Acknowledge the repercussions

You wouldn’t need to make a sincere apology if your actions hadn’t resulted in some nasty repercussions. In step two, you’ll concede to these repercussions with as much objectivity as you can muster.

• “I’m sorry I blew off our meeting; now the entire project is in jeopardy.”
• “I’m sorry I said those things about your mother. They were uncalled for and I should never have let my anger get the better of me.”

That objectivity is the key; it shows that you’ve been able to get past your ego and any residual defensive posturing to confront your mistake with an unimpeachably honest assessment, one with which no one can disagree.

Whatever you do, once again, do not make assumptions about how the other person is feeling, even if you’re certain that they’re accurate. To avoid this, don’t add any qualifying clauses; they often begin with “if” (“I’m sorry if you got offended”) or “but” (“Sorry about losing my temper, but sometimes you piss me off”). Doing so entirely negates your efforts.

We have two more tips to help you make a sincere apology…

step 3

Ask for forgiveness OR offer redress

While the first two steps require a real dose of humility, step three does not -- but its language suggests otherwise. Keep in mind that asking for forgiveness is not always the most appropriate move, since most people receive it when the make a sincere apology. What people really want to know is what you’re going to do to correct the situation, aka your screw up. Keeping with the previous examples, you can continue to make a sincere apology by adding to them:

“I’m sorry I blew off our meeting; now the entire project is in jeopardy. I’ll call the others to appeal for another meeting time.”

In the next example, forgiveness makes sense. If you do request it, do so without putting a time frame on it. Don’t insist on an answer (“Do you forgive me?”), instead give them some mixture of humility and flexibility:

• “I’m sorry I said those things about your mother. They were uncalled for and I should never have let my anger get the better of me. I hope that you’ll forgive me.”

This example is simple and unassuming, but take caution in your phrasing. The contrary would read like, “maybe someday you’ll be able to forgive me,” which actually says, I’m worthy of it -- the question is whether you have it in you to forgive me. When you make a sincere apology, it isn’t the time to impose some moral duty; it’s the time to throw out that hope of forgiveness without implying any demands.

step 4

Shut up and let it end

You should consider those three steps the beginning, middle and end of your actual sincere apology -- it’s really a fairly simple process, provided that you cling to the basics. This last step, however, may be the most difficult because the impetus to throw a variety of tags onto our apologies is sometimes overwhelming. If you want to be interpreted as sincere, you will resist this temptation.

Continuing to talk only waters down everything that’s already been said. More often than not, we see this moment as an opportunity to squeeze in the last word and save face by somehow mitigating our mistake. In doing so, you’re bound to torpedo the whole apology. Typically it sounds like this: “But you know, you’re not completely blameless in this whole thing” or “C’mon, cut me some slack; everybody makes mistakes. Even you have to admit -- your mom can be a bitch.”

Before you detonate the first three steps, learn to resist the urge to qualify your sincere apology further -- shut up, don’t say another word, and allow the matter end, then and there.